When I crossed over into the plumbing world a growing drug addiction to crack cocaine went with me. Yup, I made the worse mistake of my adult life, drugs! The addiction produced a defeated, dishonest, and self loathing individual who was now a father, husband, and business entrepreneur. Yup, something was wrong.....I felt dead inside, I really did!
Everything that I was doing lacked personal integrity. The war happening in my soul was nuclear in nature. I was trying to do something impossible. I was trying to hide a drug addiction while portraying a normal life.
I am watching my children from outside of their lives live what they inherited, it is not easy! In fact, it is almost impossible. I have great kids with strong, diversified personalities. I also have kids who create their own problems along with the problems we all face or have to face as they try to manage their adult lives. They learned how dad did things and so this is how they do things....Oh my God if I could only do it over again and do it better so that my kids, my adult children would not have had some of the examples they now live with! What I was able to do was swear never to drag my family through the lies of addiction. I swore never to return to that crap choosing instead to try to rebuild my family. I am starting to think this is life's hardest challenge?
I remember one day back in February 1998 getting on my knees (In my apartment) and praying. I prayed, "God, if you are real you have to show me, you have to be more than a Sunday morning conversation. God, I don't want to do this world if this is all it amounts to!"
No, I was not suicidal, I was simply at the end of me! I had nothing left in my spirit to work with. My children were becoming teenagers and I was becoming catatonic! I remember asking God to stop the madness of drug addiction, to stop me. It was Valentine's day! Three days later I was in a terrible car accident while driving to a business meeting.
Within three months from the date of the accident, I was drug free! That happened over night and after that prayer. I was completely and totally delivered from crack cocaine for about a month but, now laying in a hospital having suffered a brain aneurysm! The doctors thought I should have died two weeks earlier and that I would probably need neurological care if I survived the surgery. Everything was in flux! This all happened nearly 18 years ago.
Today, I know God...Not as a Christian person or Jesus freak or even person of faith! I know The Creator of Israel and all of the nations. What I know about God most Christian have no concept of. What I know is tied intrinsically to Israel not the church or a denomination. What I know is what I prayed for in 1998. I know that why we are here is gigantic and worth everything that we go through. In fact, it is far more worthy a thing to go through this life as opposed to being defeated while making this journey. I cannot imagine trying to exist in this world without knowing....GOD!
My children are not there.....
A different kind of pain now moves around in my spirit. My love for my children is without question but I see all of them stuck trying to survive as opposed to leaping for joy, living with satisfaction, living with expectation far beyond just doing life! Sure, I see the insanity surrounding mankind and the difficulties we face. I even see the so called, "End Time" scenarios lining up! I just don't live in that place. I live with all of my failures, my short comings, my mistakes, and my foolishness, in the knowing... that I am a child of God, a citizen of His Kingdom. Their is not a moment in my life whereby I live disconnected from this fact.
Nevertheless, I am at a place where my family is weighing hard on my spirit. I have had to take a break, think about a few things, and spend a few days with HaShem, Yahweh, Adonia Tsavuot! I have learned to take a step back and stop swirling around in the abyss, so to speak. I have no idea what to do or how to do it.......
What I do know how to do is write about it, share it and ask for others to pray with me. It is what our biblical family must do. Perhaps in a few days I will look at this post and have a different feeling, or a different emotion. Perhaps I will have an answer from my LORD, my Savior, my God.........What I have right now is knowing HE IS THERE.
I no longer get catatonic, I get comfortable in the arms of the one who saves and I rest. That's what knowing God is all about for me 18 years later.
Currently, I must cut costs and increase my earnings while I pray for my family. It is just that simple, LORD willing!
Isaiah 49:25 But thus saith the LORD: Even the captives of the mighty shall be taken away, And the prey of the terrible shall be delivered; And I will contend with him that contendeth with thee, And I will save thy children.